Comedy Quotes

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I
woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things
differently than most of us do, to our amazement and
amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the
rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left
me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off
now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?

(Thanks to Tracey for sending me these! They kinda make you go "Hmmmm..." don't they?)