Thursday, March 26, 2009

Comedy Quotes

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright,
he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I
woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things
differently than most of us do, to our amazement and
amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left
me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have
obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your
brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just
don't have film.

And an all time favorite-

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?

(Thanks to Tracey for sending me these! They kinda make you go "Hmmmm..." don't they?)


Protege said...

I loved this! They were all great, but my favorite is 10, 12 and 16.;)) And the only one I have heard before is the one with the rainbow.;))

Cherdecor said...

These are all funny but I like
When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

Susan said...

Ha! Humor that makes you think - I like it! I love #3. You will never convince parents at a school that 1/2 the kids are below average, though :)

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

This was funny. My favorite was #9.

rhymeswithplague said...

Erudite scientist? ERUDITE SCIENTIST???

Merle said...

Dear Tracie ~~ Thank you for posting these great funny
quotes. They are so good.
Thanks for your comment and
we were very lucky not to be hurt more. It was a shock and right on top of my dear friemd Gwen's death, it has made life more difficult, but hope it will soon be better. I can just imagine the technician saying nothing in there, bet
he says that to everyone.
Tak care, my friend,
Love, Merle.

Beverlydru said...

Glad to hear you are off to a good start with the 30 x 5 challenge.
I am wogging for 30 minutes (my brand of fast walking alternated with jogging) and then when I get home
I do sit-ups and push ups. I want to but a great DVD for bad weather days if you have any suggestions!

Rosezilla said...

Oh, yes, I do have some suggestions! If you want walking/jogging, and from a Christian no less, you'd probably enjoy Leslie Sansone. She has a variety of tapes to choose from, but they are similar; I'd go with the 5 mile one, because it is broken in to 1 mile segments so you can do as much or as little as you need that day. For weight/strength/flexibility, Margaret Richards' Body Electric is incomparable. It is so focused and really doable, and it will definitely tone you!And for sheer fun, you can't beat Richard Simmons' Sweatin' to the Oldies!

Connie said...

Hahaha...I thought I sent it to you... she must have sent it to both of us LOL

jenniferw said...

Those are HYSTERICAL. I like number six ...

He's like a modern-day Yogi Berra!

Brenda Leyland said...

This list is too funny! Made me LOL!

I just popped over from Bev's as I enjoyed your Mother Teresa response to not doing the work for a million dollars, but she'd do it for Jesus. I love that! And I admire her greatly.

Joy Joy! Brenda

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